Alphabetic TVfics
by ShellGrad
Summary: Another spin-off of the ABCs of Fluff. Title self-explanatory. One-shots.
1. TV list

**Disclaimer: I think it's safe to say I don't own the Mentalist or the rights to any of these TV shows. **

**Hello faithful readers. I'm no where near ready to start posting chapters for this but I have so many fic ideas that I'm starting to run out of space on my computer. So, I needed this list to be on the internet. This WILL be done at some point, just not soon unless I'm struck with inspiration.**

**As with my other spin-offs, these chapters can be parodies, dreams, characters talking about the TV shows, characters watching the TV shows...I doubt there will be any crossovers but you never know. UPDATE: LIST COMPLETE. Feel free to suggest any you'd like to see done. Please keep in mind that I'm in the United States so foreign films (even those localized in the UK) are not likely candidates. If I don't use your suggestion, it's because I either can't think of anyway to do it or because I haven't seen the show. It would, after all, be very difficult for me to do something that I haven't actually seen. The list below is not set in stone. So far, I've only written two of them and I rarely write these chapters in order. These will be one-shot chapters. Now that we're all familiar with the rules of my spin-off series, on to the list.**

* * *

A – Angel

B – Bones

C – CSI

D – Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives

E – Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

F – Friends

G – Good Morning America

H – Home Improvement

I – I Love Lucy

J – Jeopardy

K – Kid in a Candy Store

L – Lie to Me

M – Mobbed

N – NCIS

O – Once Upon a Time

P – Person of Interest

Q – Queen Bees

R – Revenge

S – Scooby-Doo

T – Treasure Hunters

U – Undercover Boss

V – Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

W – Wheel of Fortune

X – Xena: Warrior Princess

Y – Young Justice

Z – Zorro (1957)


	2. Chapter A

**Disclaimer: As if you don't already know :)**

**By the way, the episode used to write this was "Guise will be guise."**

* * *

A is for "Angel"

Lisbon raised her hand to knock on the door but put it down instead…again. She'd been doing the same thing for almost five minutes now. It was ridiculous, really. She knew she wouldn't be bothering him. Well, as far as sleep went. He was always the insomniac. But if she could possibly bother him in other areas…She shook her head, not stopping to question why it would bother her if he was with a woman. Because of the case, she told herself. Because they were here in the hotel because of a case and that would be unprofessional.

She lost track of time as she stood there arguing with herself. So she failed to keep the deer-caught-in-the-headlights look off of her face when the door in front of her suddenly swung open. The subject of her thoughts was standing before her with an amused grin on his face as he took her in.

"I must admit, my dear Lisbon, I was sorely tempted to see just how long you'd stalk outside my door before you finally made up your mind but, alas, my impatience won out."

"Your impatience won out," she repeated, feigning being unamused though they both knew she was.

"Well, that, and the curiosity of what exactly brought you here to me tonight…a curiosity that would fail to be settled if you'd talked yourself out of whatever you had in mind. So unsettling," he continued, wheedling, when he could see he was pushing her away, "that I'd have had absolutely no chance of sleep if you had left."

She scowled slightly and practically stomped past him into his hotel room. "I couldn't sleep," she said as he closed the door.

He sat at the foot of the bed and watched as she slowly paced back and forth. He grinned, practically seeing the wheels turning in her mind. "Teresa," he chuckled slightly as he reached for her hand, causing her to freeze in her tracks. "Stop thinking about the case. We'll solve it in the morning; don't worry. I've already figured out who it is."

She blinked at him owlishly and he noticed, not for the first time, just how big her green eyes were. "Oh."

"Mmhmm," he hummed, giving a small nod.

"Well, do you want to tell me who it is?" she asked lightly, her earlier frustration and confusion gone.

He shook his head with a boyish smile. "Nope."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course not," she muttered.

He gave a gentle tug and she plopped down beside him on the bed. "Watch TV with me. You know you won't be able to go to sleep now," he continued at her raised eyebrow. "You're still too hyped up. Your mind is racing."

She sighed, knowing he was right. "Alright, what's on?"

He smiled and handed her the remote. "Not much."

They both moved up so that they were leaning against the headboard. She shook her head disapprovingly at the monotonous voice prattling off facts and needlessly narrating a lioness chasing a gazelle. "You have enough useless facts in your head as is. I don't need you trying to educate me about the stalking strategies of lions when we're at a crime scene." She flipped through a few channels before settling on one and getting more comfortable against the cheap pillow.

"What's this?" Jane asked, moving slightly closer without moving his eyes from the screen.

"Um, I think it's called Angel."

He bit back a laugh. So she'd seen this before, had she? And just what would make her nervous about telling the truth? Did tough Teresa Lisbon have a crush on the main character? "Really? Never heard of it. You?"

"Oh. I – uh – I've heard of it. Never really watched it much."

"Hmm," he hummed noncommittally. "What's it about? You know, since you've heard of it before," he said, grinning cheekily knowing she couldn't see it as her eyes stayed glued to the screen.

"He's a vampire."

"Who is?"

"The main character."

"Is that him?"

"Yeah and he's sort of a detective who helps people."

"So he's a nice vampire?"

"Well, it's slightly more complicated than that. He helps people because his human soul makes him feel guilty about all of the people he killed while he was a vampire."

"Wait, what?"

"He killed a lot of people as a vampire so a bunch of gypsies punished him by restoring his human soul to his body. And his soul tormented him with all this guilt so he started helping people."

"I suppose that's logical enough if you but into the ridiculous premise that vampires exist."

"Maybe Cho believes in it. He's still a little freaked about that witch we met on a case a few years back." They both chuckled before lapsing into silence.

* * *

"She reminds me a little of you," Jane mused as he watched the woman in question continually attempt to open the elevator doors as the vampire Angel continued to attempt to close them.

"Cordelia?"

"Mmhmm. She's trying to sabotage his plans because she cares for him and worries but in the end, she'll go along with it because she trusts him and his judgment."

"She's too peppy…maybe Van Pelt."

"Not since Craig."

She discontentedly hummed her agreement. "At least she stopped beating up suspects."

* * *

"Whoa! That guy looks strange."

She laughed outright. "Yeah, well, it _was_ the late '90s."

* * *

"Like you didn't see that coming," he laughed slightly when she jumped ever so slightly as a mysterious man landed his hand on Codelia's shoulder.

"So cliché," he tsked, smiling as she playfully swatted him on the arm and shushed him.

* * *

"Ooo, 'why do you hate yourself?' Tell me, Lisbon, do you see a bit of me in this Angel character?"

"My, someone has a big ego."

"Be honest with me, Lisbon."

"I think we see a little bit of Angel in everyone. We can all be dark and self-loathing." She grimaced as the man on camera was forced to drink the glass of blood.

He chuckled and fought the urge to protect her from the view as had with Lorelai. Lisbon could take it. Lisbon didn't turn away and ignore the gruesome aspects of the world. "They're going to have sex," he announced, turning her attention to the pair on screen.

"Why? Because she was mean to him?" she quipped with a smirk, remembering an earlier conversation the night Rigsby's kid was born.

"Well, that and she looked like she was going to eat him the moment they met."

When the pair began to indeed have sex, she shrugged at his smug smile. "Well, why shouldn't they? He's not a bad guy, pretty good marriage material."

"Nah, you wouldn't want a guy like him. You'd go for Angel."

"Says who?"

"You like damaged and dangerous."

"Says _who_?"

"Who wouldn't?" He counters. Something in his intense stare muted her comeback.

"_**You have a damaged intensity that's quite attractive,"** _the voice echoed in her memory.

He reached forward and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his eyes briefly leaving hers to glance at her lips before rising back up to meet her eyes again. She held her breath as his pupils widened, his eyes darkening. He leaned slowly forward, their noses almost touching, eyes fully closed, waiting to take that last step. A loud knock at the door caused Lisbon to jerk away with a gasp, the sudden movement landing her on the floor beside the bed.

"Who is it?" Jane asked from his casual position on the bed.

Lisbon raised her head to glare at him over the edge of the bed, her eyes widening comically at the voice on the other side of the door. "It's Cho. Open the door."

"Just a second," he called, much to Lisbon's dismay. He flashed her a megawatt smile as he crossed to her side of the bed and extended a hand, helping her up and then opening the door to reveal his ever unamused teammate. "Hey, what's up?"

"Got a hit on the case. Killer struck again. One of the witnesses from the first murder. Tell Lisbon to hurry up," he finished with a rare smirk before walking off.

"You're so busted," he sung, laughing. He ducked at the pillow that sailed from the direction of the hotel bed.


	3. Chapter B

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

**A sequel of sorts to chapter A. Set a few days later. And, as always, thanks to every who reads/reviews.**

* * *

B is for "Bones"

Lisbon rolled her eyes at the knock on her door. "I know you're in there, Lisbon!"

Against her better judgment, she stood and silently opened the door for him before heading back to the couch and turning her attention back to the tv. "Case closed, Jane."

"And yet you can't sleep again."

"How do you know?" she challenged.

"You're still awake."

"Yeah, well, how do you know I wasn't just heading to bed?" she argued.

"The tv's on, and you didn't just turn it on. It's been on for hours," he anticipated her next argument, plopping down beside her on the couch.

She smacked his arm. "Smartass."

He grinned and settled closer to her. "What are we watching?"

"Bones."

"Bones?"

"Mmhmm. It's about this forensic anthropologist and FBI agent who work together solving crime scenes where the body is usually just – "

"Bones," he finished. "Clever."

* * *

"Love thing?"

"Yeah, they like each other but they've never actually _been_ together."

* * *

"Do you remember our first case?" he asked, rolling his head toward her with a grin.

She smiled. He'd asked as if he was asking about a first date or something. "I do. I also remember you testing me just like Booth tested Brennan."

"Oh come on. Like you didn't test me?"

"You're a consultant. It's my job to test your skills. It is not your job, however, to test my competency."

"Oh please. Only a fool would test your competency," he murmured in response, turning his attention to the tv.

* * *

"Except neither of us punched a suspect," he pointed out as they watched Brennan punch the judge.

"No, but one of us got punched _by_ a suspect," she corrected with a laugh.

"And neither of us acknowledged the other's attractiveness aloud," he mused, ignoring her remark.

* * *

"And we certainly didn't kiss," he added as he studied the characters.

"I couldn't kiss you."

"Because I was too broken?"

"Because I believe in the sanctity of marriage," she shrugged nonchalantly.

"I wasn't married."

"You believed you were. You acted like you were. That was good enough for me."

"Lisbon, I'm not married." He fixed her with a gentle but intense stare.

She studied him for a moment. "No, I guess you're not."

* * *

"I'm the gambler," he mumbled to himself when the program ended.

"Hmm?" She turned her head to him.

He turned his head to face her. "I'm the gambler," he repeated.

She suddenly felt like she couldn't catch her breath. "Jane," she started.

"I'm the gambler," he murmured before capturing her lips in a passionate kiss, pulling her close and biting back a groan when she straddled his lap.

* * *

"Wait, am I Booth or Brennan in this comparison?" She asked breathlessly after pulling away a few minutes later.

"Brennan."

"What? Why? Because I'm a woman?"

"Well, that does help but that's not it."

"What else?"

He resisted the urge to sigh. "Is this important right now?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"I don't know!" She growled in frustration and he instinctively rubbed her back soothingly. "I just…It's not every day you kiss your best friend and I just…" That clearly wasn't it. There was some hidden reason she wanted to know and she wasn't telling him.

"Okay. Okay, I get it." He took a deep breath and forced the blood to his brain. "Well, apart from being a woman and the fact that you're the one stopping us from progressing further," he laughed as she swatted him with a pillow. "You're the more socially awkward one of the pair of us."

"But you're the one who's always making everyone feel stupid by using your intelligence," she accused.

"And you use your gun and badge to intimidate people but I don't throw it in your face…Wait, did you say I make you feel stupid?"

"That's not what I said."

"It's what you meant." He reached forward and smoothed the crease in her forehead as she frowned. "Hey, I _never _meant to make you feel stupid. Ever," he emphasized quietly, forcing her to look into his eyes until she nodded. "You're the most intelligent agent I've worked with at the CBI. And the most beautiful," he added with a smile, enjoying her blush. He leaned in to kiss her neck right below her ear.

"Jane," she protested softly with a sigh.

"Why is this so important, Teresa?" He asked softly, studying her eyes.

"Thought you knew the answer to everything," she teased with a saucy grin.

"My blood flow's limited," he countered dryly, earning him a chuckle from the petite beauty that was his partner. "But, Teresa, I'll give you whatever you need to make this more comfortable. So, why is this so important?"

"Because it's a rerun," she answered simply, as if that explained everything.

He strained to not shake his head at her logic. "Lisbon, I'm going to say this once. We are not in that television show. It doesn't matter who's Booth or Brennan. It doesn't matter who initiated what in that show nor does any part of their relationship matter. All that matters is that I love you and I want nothing more than to – "

"Shut up and kiss me, Patrick."

"That's my girl," he murmured before capturing her lips once more.


	4. Chapter C

**Disclaimer: I don't own the shows.**

**This was written around Christmas time I believe so, it's been awhile. If you want to think of it as a continuation of the A and B, I suppose you could but there's no mention of those chapters.**

* * *

C is for CSI

"Really, Lisbon? A cop show? Don't you get enough gore at work?"

"Hush, Jane." She playfully slapped his arm. "Sometimes it helps me think of things in our cases that I haven't thought of before. It reminds me to look at things I might not have looked at the first time."

The episode started playing and they came upon a little blond girl as a victim. "Oh, Jane…" She reached for the remote.

He grabbed her hand to stop her. "It's okay," he whispered. "That's not my daughter." She nodded and let their hands slowly fall between them on the couch. He intertwined their fingers as the actors began to explain how the victim died.

They watched the twenty-something peeping tom confess to murder. "He didn't do it," Jane declared.

"He confessed."

"Doesn't matter. He didn't do it. He feels guilty as though he caused their deaths but he didn't actually kill them. He loves the little girl too much, as twisted as that love may be."

They watched the possibly sociopathic woman enter the police station and confess to the murder. "She's telling the truth." He noticed Lisbon's questioning look. "She has cold eyes."

"How many times do I have to tell you that a person having cold eyes is not enough to convict?"

"What about a confession?"

"This is the second confession."

He smiled as they turned back to the television. The father of the recovering drug addict just confessed. "He's telling the truth."

"They can't _all_ be telling the truth!" Lisbon threw her free hand into the air, exasperated.

He smiled at her. "Of course they can, Lisbon."

She narrowed her eyes at him as Ted Danson's character put forth the strangers on a train theory. He chuckled softly to himself. She huffed in irritation and changed the channel. Jane noticed with a grin that she never untangled their hands.


	5. Chapter D

**Disclaimer: I don't own either show, though it would be cool to have Guy Fieri as a personal chef.**

**A continuation of chapter C since Lisbon changed the channel at the end of that chapter. Do you hate me for the long wait between updates? I hope you don't but I understand if I get a few disgruntled replies. Summer grad school classes are insanely busy. But, I don't have much to do until Monday so here's hoping I can update this and my other stories I have going. Hope you enjoy this! Let me know what you think and, as always, thanks for your support on the previous chapters!**

* * *

D is for Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives

_Episode – Soups and Sandwhiches_

_Restaurant – Dad's Kitchen in Sacramento, CA_

_Recipe – bacon blue cheeseburger_

_Host – Guy Fieri_

* * *

"Really? This is what you're settling on?"

"It's a pretty good show, actually."

"And when do you get all this abundant time to watch television, dear Lisbon?"

"I've seen a few episodes. Besides, I've found some really great restaurants through this show."

"Really?" he asked doubtfully.

"Yeah, remember that place we stopped at on the way to Bakersfield?"

"You found that place on here?"

"Mmhmm."

"That place was pretty good."

"Look, a new episode is starting," Lisbon pointed out as the intro began to play. "Looks like he's in Sacramento in this one," she said, disappointed, as she reached to change the channel.

Jane reached over and stilled her hand. "Don't be too hasty. We may find a new place to eat."

"But I thought you liked our old place?"

"I do. Variety, Lisbon. It does wonders."

"I get enough variety just having you in my life," she grumbled to herself. "Besides," she continued louder, "there's something be said about consistency, faith, and loyalty to our old place."

He studied her a moment before he dared speak. He wasn't sure they were still talking about restaurants anymore. "There is," he agreed slowly. "But what about this? I was loyal and consistent with my restaurant choice in Malibu. But, when I began spending so much time in Sacramento, I found a new place that's just as delicious and that I love very much. They're similar in some respects and different in others but I love them both equally. I may visit my old restaurant in Malibu from time to time when I'm up there but I always end up back in Sacramento eating at my new old place," he finished softly and sweetly, taking in her expression. Oh, her facial expression may have been dumbfounded but her watery eyes spoke volumes on just how much he'd touched her with his metaphor…even if he'd compared her to a restaurant.

"I was just talking about a restaurant," she responded dumbly.

"As was I, Teresa…as was I." He smiled softly and they both turned their attention back to the show. She tightened her hold on his hand ever so slightly and he grinned before raising their joined hands to kiss her knuckles softly. He lowered their hands again and began lightly rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. "Have you ever heard of that restaurant? Dad's Kitchen?"

"No," she shook her head.

"We should go there sometime. I bet Rigsby would love to try that Bacon Blue Cheeseburger they're talking about right now."

"Hmm? Oh right, Rigsby." He smiled at her dazed expression. He continued to rub her knuckles, content and amused that it seemed to distract her so much. She sighed and sank lower into the couch, her head landing near his shoulder but not quit touching. "I don't think he likes blue cheese," she muttered, her eyes fluttering.

* * *

_A few days later_…

"Closed case," Lisbon announced as she began to erase their white board.

"Shall we celebrate?" Jane asked.

"I'll call the pizza place," Van Pelt offered as she reached for the phone.

"Ah, hold on, Grace. I have a better idea," Jane said, effectively stopping her hand in mid-air and grabbing the whole team's attention. "I want to go to a new place."

"A new place?" the rookie frowned in confusion.

"We don't go to new places. We eat pizza," Cho pointed out.

"I don't wanna go to a new place," Rigsby practically whined.

"Come on, guys," Lisbon placated. "It's not the worst thing in the world to try a new place. It's not like we'll never have closed case pizza again, right Jane?"

He shot her a megawatt smile. "Exactly, Lisbon. Variety does wonders. And we shall never abandon pizza."


	6. Chapter E

**Disclaimer: I don't own either tv show, obviously.**

**This one is extremely short as I was distracted by many things last night to be really inspired by the episode that aired last night. If you haven't heard of the show before, all you need to know is that the show is made up of a bunch of designers, architects, engineers, etc. who pick families that have a rough life or hit really hard times and they build them a new house (because their house is usually not very sufficient for their needs). It's unfair to keep you guys waiting long for such a short chapter so send me any requests of "Friends" episodes you want to see in the next chapter and I'll make it up to you guys.**

* * *

E is for "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"

Lisbon did a double take as Jane barged in through the unlocked front door, heading straight for the television. He quickly turned it on and plopped down heavily on the couch next to her, tickling her slightly as he searched for the remote that happened to be underneath her. She giggled slightly as she desperately clutched onto the book she'd been reading before the intrusion. She debated hitting him with said book as he flipped through the channels.

"Jane, what are you doing?" she asked, raising an eyebrow as he shushed her. "Excuse me?"

"Lisbon, you gotta see this," he finally answered as he settled on the correct channel.

"Wha-"

"Just watch," he insisted.

She grumpily crossed her arms and decided to appease him until the first commercial break. Then she'd definitely kick him out. It didn't take long for her heart to melt at the onscreen family with the two autistic sons. When the commercial break came, she surprised herself and Jane when she made no move to kick him out. Instead, she sank lower in the couch and quietly awaited the show's return.

Jane followed her example and silently focused on the show, chancing the occasional glance at Lisbon. He smiled softly in the dim light when he saw her eyes water at the heart-warming display of thoughtfulness of the designers and builders of the show who sacrificed their creative instincts in favor of the routine and simplicity that is best for the autistic children in the family. He carefully placed his arm around her shoulders and gave a gentle tug, his heart bursting in triumph when she complied and curled against his side.

Lisbon wiped away a tear that escaped and turned the television off after the program ended. The silence seemed more pronounced in the darkness somehow. Neither of them moved for some time, not wanting the closeness or the moment to end.

Jane chose to be the one to break contact, first placing a light kiss to her soft hair. When she lifted her head slightly off of him, he maneuvered his way off the couch, stroking her hair one last time before leaving her apartment as wordlessly as he'd entered.


	7. Chapter F

**I promised to make it up to you guys last chapter and hopefully 6 episode remakes in this chapter will do the trick. I took the wedding vows from a website because I couldn't remember them from the last wedding I went too.**

* * *

F is for "Friends"

***The One Where Heckles Dies***

"Hey, Jane, can I talk to you?" Lisbon asked as he was about to leave.

Something in her tentative tone stopped him from responding sardonically. "Always, Lisbon. What's on your mind?"

"What is this thing," she emphasized the ambiguity by gesturing at the open space between the two of them, "between us?"

"What do you mean?"

"I need answers," she demanded simply, softly.

"I'm not ready to give any," he answered honestly.

"Well," she gave a frustrated huff, "then I'm going on a date with Johnson."

"You hate Johnson."

"I don't hate him."

"You don't like him," he pointed out.

"I could," she countered stubbornly.

"What's this all really about, Lisbon?"

"Ms. Heckles died."

"That abominable croon that lived underneath you?"

"Yeah. She left everything to me in her will."

"And?"

"And, I'm Ms. Heckles!"

"Let me guess. You found some connection between yourself and the old croon, particularly in the fact that she died all alone…probably some connection to the lacking romantic life. But, Lisbon, you shouldn't be so quick to jump into a commitment, especially with a guy you don't really like."

"You said so yourself, Jane. I'm too particular."

"I said in a good way," he defended.

"I'm going out with Johnson."

"You can't."

"I can too," she countered indignantly.

"Lisbon, don't force my hand," he warned.

"I'm not forcing anything," she raised her voice. "If I want to go out on a date, I will and you have no say in what I do! In fact," she pushed spitefully, standing up and heading to her office door, "I'm going to go give him his answer right now." As her hand made contact with the handle, she felt herself spun around and soft, supple lips crash against hers before moving in a heated, hypnotic pace before leaving hers too soon.

"I warned you not to force my hand," Jane whispered breathlessly, matching her smirk.

***The One with Russ***

"Wow, Boss, you look nice," Van Pelt commented as Lisbon emerged from her office to hand the rookie a file. She'd seemed to have touched up her make-up since the crime scene that morning.

"Thanks, Grace. I'm going out to lunch. I'll see you guys in about an hour."

"You going on a date, Boss?" Rigsby asked hesitantly.

She turned an amused look to the tall agent and answered slowly, somehow managing to keep the laughter out of her voice. "Yes. Why?"

"Thought you were dating Jane," Cho piped in.

"I was never dating Jane." Lisbon gritted her teeth before taking a frustrated breath. "I've moved on…not that there was anything to move on from," she rushed out awkwardly as a man walked up behind her, placing his hands over her eyes. The team shockingly observed the light brown locks, tanned skin, and hazel eyes of what could have been Patrick Jane's happier twin.

She smiled before turning around and giving him a kiss on the cheek. He brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, using a bit of sleight of hand to make a flower appear with an eerily familiar smile. "Let me introduce you to the team," she said with a smile, trying to cover her small blush.

They turned to the team and Lisbon's date spoke before anyone could make the introductions. "You must be Van Pelt. From a small Midwestern town, right? It's all in your posture and the way you present yourself," he answered her unasked question before turning to Lisbon's right hand man. "And you must be Cho. I get that you don't like me already on principle. You're loyal, but I assure you I won't be hurting Teresa. And, finally, you must be Rigsby. Hope little Ben's doing well."

"Impressive, Lisbon."

The woman in question jumped slightly before turning to see Jane dunking a tea bag behind her. "Dane, this is my consultant – "

"Patrick Jane," the new man turned a charming smile to the consultant.

"Been talking about me, Lisbon?" Jane teased with a cheeky smile.

"No, you're famous enough as is without Lisbon talking you up."

"We don't discuss work," Lisbon felt the need to explain.

"Then how did you – " Grace started.

"It's all in the details," Dane answered.

"Couldn't agree more," Jane said with false agreement, taking a sip of tea.

"If you don't mind my asking," Dane turned to the consultant, "where do you get your tea? I've been dying for a good cup of tea but everyone in this state seems to put the milk in last when clearly a proper cup of tea is milk first, tea bag, then hot water that's been boiled, not simply heated."

"You're preaching to the choir, friend. I make my own in the kitchen here. Would you like a cup?" The two men sauntered into the kitchen, discussing oolong versus Earl Grey.

"Oh my gosh," Van Pelt finally spoke.

"What?" Lisbon asked as she turned to face them.

"He's…" she trailed off, trying to find the right words.

"Jane," Cho bluntly finished.

"Yeah," Rigsby agreed.

"What? Dane is nothing like Jane," she protested. After brushing off their comments about his looks and know-it-all air, she turned to see the pair dunking their tea bags in sync with one another. She gaped before turning to her team in horror. "Oh, dear Lord. I'm dating Jane."

***The One with Ross's Wedding***

"I, Sarah Harrigan, take you, Wayne Rigsby, to be my lawfully wedded husband. With deepest joy, I come into my new life with you. As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you and ever seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife."

"I, Wayne Rigsby, take you, Grace – " he cut himself off as the church collectively gasped.

Sarah pulled her hands from his, aghast and began to descend back down the aisle in escape. Rigsby watched helplessly as Lisbon stood and chased after while Jane stayed silently giggling in his seat where she'd been sitting beside him. "Sarah, wait! He didn't mean that!"

***The One with All the Resolutions***

Van Pelt walked into the bullpen from the break room, carrying sparkling grape juice for the team. It certainly wasn't as conventional as alcohol would be but that was the price you had to pay when you had to work New Year's Eve. "Hey, we should all make New Year's resolutions."

"No," came Cho's blunt argument.

"Grace, don't you think that's a bit unrealistic. I mean, no one ever keeps their resolutions," Rigsby let her down gently.

"They don't have to be cliché things like losing weight. They can be other things."

"Like what?"

"Like…" she trailed off as she thought.

"Like spending more time with family," Lisbon saved the rookie as she came to stand next to Rigsby at the conference table with the rest of the team.

"Is that what your resolution is, Boss?" Van Pelt asked, eager someone was on her side.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Figured I'd try to see Tommy and Annie more often."

"That's good," Jane encouraged. "I have some more tricks to teach her."

"No tricks," Lisbon warned before smiling. "But you can hang out with her if you want."

"What's your resolution, Grace?" Jane asked, changing topic.

"I thought I'd try to take some more vacation time to see my parents," she answered with a bright smile. Lisbon and Jane nodded their encouragement.

"Yeah, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try and spend more time with Ben," Rigsby caved.

"Cho?" Lisbon turned to her right hand man with an amused smirk, already knowing the answer.

"No," he responded bluntly before sharing in her smile.

"What about you, Jane?" Van Pelt turned to him with a bright smile.

"My resolution is to not trick any of you in the New Year." He laughed as everyone protested in disbelief. "No, I didn't think any of you would buy that. Well, then I suppose my resolution is to get married in the New Year."

He watched in amusement as Lisbon began to choke on her coffee, croaking out her strangled thanks as Rigsby patted her on the back. "So," Lisbon began, clearing her throat one more time for good measure, "you're ready to move on? That's good." She ignored the fact that her voice sounded higher than normal, betraying her uneasiness.

"I am ready. _Is_ that good?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"No reason." He smiled mysteriously.

Van Pelt chose that moment to intervene. "Don't you think it's a bit soon, Jane?" She rolled her eyes when she realized why everyone was staring at her like she was crazy. "I just mean a year is too soon. It takes a year just to plan a wedding. You need to find a woman and be in a relationship with her for some time before that."

"All true, Grace," Jane conceded. "As it so happens, I already have someone in mind."

"You do?" Lisbon asked sadly, hopelessly. He nodded with a genial smile. "Well," she coughed and discretely wiped the unshed tears from her eyes as she turned toward her office. "Congratulations, Jane, and good luck with all that."

He followed her into the office, slipping in quietly before she closed the door. He encircled her wrist, intimately, not caring about her pulse. This was no game. "Lisbon."

"What are you doing here, Jane?" she muttered to the floor, unable to look at him.

"It's almost midnight," he spoke softly. She looked up finally to see him watching the clock. He smiled faintly before looking down at her. The countdown in the bullpen only background noise now. He leaned forward slowly, albeit confidently, and gently kissed her on the lips. She closed her eyes and tentatively enjoyed the short, intimate moment. He pulled back slightly, the cheers in the bullpen whispers in comparison to his pounding heart. "Happy New Year, Teresa. Will you marry me?"

"Happy New Year, Patrick. But, no, I won't marry you," she answered with a big smile.

He chuckled softly. "Can I ask why?"

"We just shared our first kiss. I'm not going to marry you that quickly."

"Well, it's not like we just met. We've known each other for years. Think of it like a decade of foreplay."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Teresa, despite how much I act like I don't care – "

"I know."

"I'm not strong enough to be rejected by you and stick around."

"I know."

"I couldn't bear to watch you fall in love with another man."

"I know," she emphasized as she placed her hands on either side of his face.

He gave a faint smile as he stared into her green eyes. "So, will you marry me?"

She rolled her eyes and gave in with a sigh. "Fine; one day, I'll marry you." He gave a victorious smile. "But you're going to have to ask me again later in a few months and it has to be much more romantic, got it?" She insisted as he practically bounced in front of her.

"Got it," he agreed before capturing her lips in a hungry kiss.

***The One with the Cop***

Cho turned to Van Pelt, sitting beside him in the stake-out van. "Hey, I need to talk to you. But it can't leave this van, understand?"

The red-head turned to him, inquisitively noting his uncharacteristic nervousness. "Okay, what's up?"

"I had a dream last night."

"About," she probed when he didn't elaborate.

"Lisbon."

"You had a dream about Lisbon? What were you two doing?" She asked carefully, clearly not expecting that answer.

"Working on a puzzle."

"Wait, weren't Jane and Lisbon working on a puzzle yesterday?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So, you took Jane's place in your dream."

"Did not."

"Did too. Have you had other dreams like that?"

Cho shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."

"Have you always had dreams about the boss?"

"No, I don't even like the boss like that. They didn't start until a few days after Jane and Lisbon started dating."

"Once things cooled down between them and they were acting like they had before they started dating."

"Yeah."

"So, these dreams are basically you just wanting to be close to Lisbon in a non-sexual way."

"It seems like it but I don't really want to be any closer to the boss. We're fine the way we are."

Van Pelt shrugged. "Maybe you just want what Jane and Lisbon have. Makes sense. I want it sometimes too. It's nice that they can be together and nothing's really changed. They're still best friends despite being lovers."

"Maybe."


	8. Chapter G

G is for "Good Morning America"

* * *

"_And I'm sitting here with famous psychic Patrick Jane," _the anchorman introduced on the television_._

Lisbon scrunched up her nose as she took a sip of coffee. "Oh please."

"_Tell me, what's next for you?"_

"_Well, I'll still be doing my tv show but I also want to start working with the police."_

She shook her head. "God help the sucker who gets stuck with him."

"_Yes, I've already met with Chief Virgil Minelli of the CBI and I'll be working with the Serious Crimes Unit."_

Lisbon couldn't prevent herself from spewing hot coffee all over her living room carpet. "What?!"

"_Yes, it should be good. I'm very excited. I think we'll get a lot accomplished."_

* * *

"I'm sitting here with Agent Teresa Lisbon and consultant, former psychic Patrick Jane. Welcome and thank you for being here today."

"Thanks, it's a pleasure to be here," Lisbon smiled nervously.

Jane snuck a sideways glance at her and smirked. "It's our pleasure," he chorused, laying on the charm.

"Now, we are here today to talk about the famous serial killer known as Red John. For those watching at home who do not know, can you tell us a little bit about him?"

"Yes," Jane sat up and took the lead. "Red John, now known as Michael Hofstedder, has been killing young women – at least 23 known victims – for over a decade now. He leaves a grim calling card that he's most famous for. It's a smile drawn on the wall using the victim's blood."

"Grim indeed," the anchor agreed. "And you two have been working together for about a decade now, chasing this monster who was recently brought to an end by you, Agent Lisbon. Care to tell us about that?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. As you've said, we've been on this case for a long time. He rarely made mistakes but those he did make gradually led us to find him."

"And what was that like? For both of you, facing this man you've been chasing for so long?"

"Unfortunately, we face criminals every day."

"So this was just an ordinary day at work?" the anchor laughed.

"Something like that," Jane agreed.

"Was it also an ordinary work day for you, Mr. Jane?"

"In a way," he agreed. "But it was also life changing."


	9. Chapter H

H is for "Home Improvement"

* * *

Lisbon walked up to Cho's desk conspiratorially. "Hey Cho."

He looked up, squinting slightly at his boss' attempt at an innocent expression. "Hey," he responded, suspicious.

"Are you busy tonight?"

He studied her a moment before returning to his novel. "I'm not babysitting Jane."

"Please, Cho," Lisbon begged. "Please, you gotta take him. Please, please, PLEASE! I'll do anything you want! Just, please, get him out of my apartment. Just for a couple of days."

"What's wrong, Boss?" Van Pelt asked.

Lisbon sighed. So much for keeping it a secret. "Jane's driving me crazy. He's gotten bored during the day and decided to fix things in my apartment."

"What's wrong with that? I think it's kind of sweet."

"There was nothing broken in my apartment! _That's_ what's wrong. There was nothing wrong with my apartment and now _everything's_ wrong," she whined.

"Are you sure it's everything?" Van Pelt asked.

Lisbon began to count the offenses on her fingers. "The lever on the toaster jiggled slightly and he broke it trying to fix it. You now have to push up on the toilet handle instead of down in order to flush it. I nearly dislocated my shoulder in the shower this morning because he decided to make the shower head more powerful. The light in the refrigerator nearly blinded me because he said it wasn't bright enough. The cold and hot water is now switched in my sink with no medium between scalding and freezing. I swear it's like my life has turned into an episode of Home Improvement and I'm married to Tim Allen. The only thing he hasn't broken is – " Lisbon was cut off by the beep of an new text message. They all watched as she went from exasperated to homicidal. "He broke my coffee maker."

"Dead man walking," Rigsby muttered.

"I'll babysit Jane," Cho caved.


	10. Chapter I

I is for "I Love Lucy"

* * *

Cho walked in the bullpen, seeing no one around but Van Pelt on the computer. "Hey, where's Lisbon? She's not in her office."

Before she could answer, Rigsby walked in. "Hey, where's Lisbon? I need her to sign off on this report. It's due today."

"She's not here and Lorelai's asking for her."

Jane strolled in with a cup of tea. "Any of you seen Lisbon today? Someone used up all my good tea while I was gone."

Van Pelt stood up angrily, unable to take any more. "Quit whining about your tea, Jane, and go handle Lorelai. Cho, you're the one with the highest rank; you sign Rigsby's report. And Rigsby, instead of getting anxious every time a report is due, try finishing it more than an hour before the deadline."

"Where's Lisbon?" the three men chorused, causing the red-head to roll her eyes.

"She's not coming in today."

"What do you mean she's not coming?" Jane asked while the two agents walked off to continue their work day.

Van Pelt shrugged. "She called me this morning and said she wasn't coming in, some emergency or something."

"Emergency?" Jane asked, setting down the cup on her desk and running out without an answer.

"Jane!" Grace called after him to no avail. The consultant was long gone.

* * *

Lisbon placed the ice cream carton and two spoons on the living room table as she jogged toward the banging on her front door. She opened the door just as her impatient intruder had decided to pick the lock and watched with amusement as Jane was knocked off his feet. "Jane?"

He took a few minutes to shake off the confusion before looking up at her. "Lisbon? Why aren't you at work? Van Pelt said it was an emergency. Why is your phone off? Is Red John here?" He rushed out the questions and pushed past her as he frantically searched the apartment with his eyes.

"Did you hit your head when you fell?" Lisbon said as she closed the door.

"Van Pelt said you weren't coming into work and there was an emergency."

"Yes, Jane, there _is_ an emergency but not the cop kind of emergency. It's a girl emergency."

"Girl emergency," he repeated disbelievingly.

"Yes," she answered simply as she crossed her arms, daring him to contradict her.

"What kind of 'girl emergency'?" He mimicked her pose challengingly. He smiled a little as she faltered slightly.

"I can't say."

"Really? And why is that?"

"Oh just tell him, Aunt Reese. He'll figure it out sooner or later anyway," a voice grumbled from behind Jane.

He turned to see Annie plop down on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her. "Hey, Annie. Long time no see. I'd ask how you're doing but the junk food, blanket, sweatpants, and general miserable demeanor seem to answer that question."

Lisbon lightly smacked him with the back of her hand. "Play nice."

"I got dumped."

"And junk food is supposed to help with that?" He turned to Lisbon with raised eyebrow.

"No," she responded, disgruntled. "There's an 'I Love Lucy' marathon on."

"That's supposed to make it all better?"

Lisbon shrugged, now a little sheepish. Annie decided to answer for her in the hope the conversation would end and the ice cream would begin. "That's what Grandma Lisbon used to do."

Jane frowned slightly before turning to Lisbon with an indulgent smile. "I'll leave and let you girls have your fun but I'm coming back at four and I want you dressed, Annie," he turned to the teen with a megawatt smile.

"What's happening at four?" Lisbon asked, confused.

"We're going to the zoo," he answered definitively before kissing her soft hair and leaving. Lisbon stared at the door.

"That was weird," Annie ventured. "Does he do that often?"

"That was the first time," she answered a little dazed.

"Well, there's a first for everything," she grumbled as she turned the tv on to watch Lucille Ball stomping in a bucket of grapes with her best friend.


End file.
